One of the things I’ve noticed about parenting toddlers is that kids can be very demanding. Not only will they make demands of you, but their demands can get increasingly specific. It almost seems like they are doing it on purpose just to see how far they can push things.

My youngest daughters was a great example of this behavior. I remember when she was about 3 years old. She would wake up early and I’d take her downstairs to have breakfast together. She’d tell me she wanted cereal for breakfast, so I’d get out the Cheerios. Then she’d tell me, “No I want Raisin Bran”. After I switched cereals, I grabbed her a bowl. In a very whinny toddler voice she’d say, “No I want the yellow bowl, not the orange one” How can you ever win?

In the beginning I wasn’t worried about this. It was no big deal, and it wasn’t worth a fight. But soon afterward I realized I was going to have to show her how to make her own decisions and how to be responsible for her own choices. After I came to that realization, I started making her do things for herself if she changed her mind.

As a simple example, say she told me that she really didn’t want the orange bowl. I’d just say to her, “That’s fine sweetie – just go to the drawer and get whatever bowl you want, and put this one back”. If she really wanted to make a change it was now up to her. Sure, she fussed about this at first, because she wanted me to do it for her. I just pushed the responsibility back to her politely.

Children want parents to do things for them. They test the boundaries and they want to see how much influence they can have over Mom and Dad. Instead of getting angry at these tests, just realize that they are a normal part of growing up. It’s so much easier to just show them how to take action to solve their own problems.

Always keep in mind that children will get upset if you say “No” right to their face. It can really be easier to say “I see – you want a different color bowl? No problem, here’s where you can go to get it by yourself” When you do this you’re presenting a solution

Sometimes parents won’t offer solutions. They just seem to put up roadblocks. They say “No, I won’t get you another bowl”. I suggest that when you have a conflict with your young kids, you offer them solutions rather than roadblocks. This forces them to take responsibility for adopting the solution.

Toddlers and young kids will push the boundaries as a part of their learning experience. If you understand that this is a normal process, you’ll find it much easier to redirect the conflict towards teaching them how to solve their own problems.

Chris Thompson is the creator of the Talking to Toddlers audio course for parents. He shows parents how to use language to reduce parenting stress. Listen instantly to his free lesson on raising toddlers.

Over the last few years I’ve come across countless situations were parents feel like they don’t know how to deal with toddlers and preschoolers. Parents get stressed out because of the “bad behavior” and I’ve received plenty of emails from those who feel that they’ve failed at being a parent. If this describes you then I’d like to invite you to enter my world and learn more about how you can take advantage of language as a toolbox for change. Parenting toddlers and preschoolers can go back to being fun again. All you need is a willingness to learn, and an appreciation for new advice.

Remember when your baby was born? Sure, it was stressful at times. It was a huge change in your life. You didn’t always know why your child was crying. But you quickly discovered the main culprits of temperature, hunger, gas, a soiled diaper, or fatigue. Those were rather easy problems to solve, and you didn’t need any special skills. You didn’t have to ask your baby what was wrong. You just learned to figure it out based on “reading” your baby’s behavior.

Then sometime between 12-24 months your baby became a toddler. Crawling turned into walking, and mutterings turned into real words. Your child would point at things, ask for things, and literally freak out if you said “No”. Am I right so far?

I’m going to give you the single most important advice that I think all parents of toddlers need to understand. Ready? Accept that children in the age range of two to four have almost no reasoning skills. Logic is usually a bad way to approach a problem. That’s it. Once you appreciate this, your ability to prevent tantrums will have suddenly skyrocketed.

One of my pet peeves is when people write advice about what not to do, but they don’t give you any useful suggestions on how to replace the old habit. So let me expand upon this statement. Let’s pretend that your toddler or preschooler is messing around in the kitchen and is dragging pots and pans out of the cabinet. You know that you’ll have to clean this up. You want the behavior to stop. Be honest now. In this situation, would you normally just tell your child to “stop” and take them out of the kitchen? If you answered “yes”, then you’ve tried to solve the problem by using logic, or by assuming your child will understand that this behavior is not allowed. Guess what? It almost always results in a tantrum.

So what do you do instead of using logic? Start managing your toddler’s state of mind. Change the focus of his or her attention. Use distraction or confusion techniques to create an opportunity to shift your child to a new activity. There are plenty of ways to deal with toddlers that don’t involve rational explanations or logic.

Here’s a quick way to get your toddler out of a messy situation without a fight. First, enter the child’s world. Say, “I see you are playing with these pots and making a lot of nose. That must be a lot of fun!” Next, start to distract your child with something simple such as a tickle and some laughing. This positions you in positive manner, not as the mother or father about to take away the toys. Finally, change the scenery by carrying your child over to the window and pointing out something interesting. Maybe it’s the squirrel climbing in the tree. Maybe an airplane flying overhead? Young kids have a short attention span. All you need to do is be a bit “sneaky” in changing your child’s focus while maintaining a positive state of mind. Then, following the distraction, give them something new to do.

In nearly every instance, tantrums and bad behavior are the result of a certain (negative) emotional state in your child. If you want to change the behavior, you need to change the emotional state first. Language is a powerful asset that parents can use to steer children into resourceful states. After all, kids don’t tend to misbehave or throw tantrums when they are laughing and smiling.

If you’d like to learn more of these simple and powerful communication strategies, simply visit http://TalkingToToddlers.com

As some of you know from my past blog entries and emails, I’m a bit of a health & fitness nut.

Well, it’s January 6th today. I’m willing to bet that a lot of you made some sort of New Year’s resolution to improve your physical fitness, lose weight, or something along those lines. I’m also willing to bet that some of you have already fallen off the wagon.

I’d like to offer you some motivation to stay on track, set a good example for your kids, and improve your overall health.

Before we begin …

I want to tell you about a guy I know named Mike Geary. He’s a Certified Nutrition Specialist and Certified Personal Trainer. I’ve been reading his stuff for a while, and I think he’s worth listening to.

He’s also the author of a great book called “The Truth About Six Pack Abs”. I buy a lot of ‘stuff’ and I have a copy of his book (it’s a digital product just like my parenting course).

Here’s a link to his book, but don’t click on it just yet. There’s more that you need to know.

Ok, so what’s the point of this post? And how can you get a copy of Talking to Toddlers for free? Here’s the answer: I’m going to give you a free copy of my course if you give Mike’s fitness book a fair shot. “Fair shot” is really an honesty policy thing.

You see, he sells his product on the ClickBank marketplace (for digital products), just like me, so his return policy is the same as mine. That means if you think it’s crap, you can get a refund within 60 days. Now, I know it’s *not* crap or I wouldn’t ever mention it to you. You see, if it was crap, you’d buy his book, you’d get my parenting course for free, and then you’d ask for a refund on his book (and I’d get zip). Why would I do that? Of course – I wouldn’t.

Rules

To get a copy of my course for free all you have to do is use my link to buy Mike’s fitness book. Yes, in case you are wondering, I get a commission, which is why I’m able to give you my course for free as a bonus. I feel it’s right to disclose that to you. But I’m basically giving you an ethical bribe. If you take me up on the offer, you get my course for free, and you have a risk-free return policy on his book.

Important

You must use this link right here to order. You must also verify that the following shows up at the bottom of the Clickbank order form:
[affiliate = t2toddlers]

If you make sure to do this, I’ll get credit for your purchase and you can then email me your clickbank receipt number(my email address is info AT talkingtotoddlers.com) and I’ll send you a free copy of Talking to Toddlers.

This offer is only valid until Sunday, January 10th.

Improve your chances of success

I’m a big believer of the rule of committment. If you commit to something publicly, you’re more likely to succeed at your goal.

So here’s what I want you to do. Go to the comments section on this blog posting and write down your fitness goals! Tell us how you want to be a role model for your kids! Do it and achieve it!

All the best to everyone,
Chris

I read a story dealing with the terrible twos this morning.  A study released back in 1996 apparently concluded that the terrible twos are caused by parents.  The article suggested that different “asset and liabilities” such as personality traits, economic status, social support and work-related stress were the biggest factors in determining if kids would go through the “terrible twos”.

In some ways I agree, but in other ways I disagree.  Let me explain.  First of all, I think that all kids go through a period of ‘testing the waters’.  They push boundaries.  They ask for things that they know they can’t have.  No matter *what* you do as a parent you are not going to stop a child from pushing the boundaries.  It is part of growth.  It is expected and healthy.  Yes, it is healthy.

But – how you *deal* with it as  a parent is totally within your control.  Unfortunately kids do not come with instruction manuals.  What I’ve discovered is that using language strategies can solve most of the daily problems that parents run into.  If you easily get frustrated with your child, or if you constantly tell your child “no” to things then you are literally asking for tantrums and other so-called “bad behavior”. On the other hand, if you learn how to apply distraction techniques, create the illusion of choice, manage your child’s emotional state, or reframe situations by changing their definition (among many other tools I teach), then you’ll end up avoiding these problems.  Your kids (and you) will smile more often and you’ll have less parenting stress.

Click on the link here to get a free audio lesson where I’ll teach you 3 simple techniques you can start using right now.

If you have a toddler in your house, then I’m sure you are familiar with the terrible twos. This is my first blog entry in what I expect to become a busy blog with loads of postings and user comments. So I thought it would be great to get the ball rolling by posting something that will help parents, and by giving a perspective not often found in the parenting community.

I have two beautiful daughters, but I would be lying if I said they were perfect little angels all the time. Of course they aren’t! We have nicknames for our girls. The oldest is “Monkey”. This was given to her when she learned to crawl in the early years. The youngest is “Kit Kat”, which was invented by my wife’s loving Aunt. It just stuck instantly!

Monkey and Kit Kat do their fare share of things that make us want to leave them with a babysitter for a few days! Most of the time my kids are quite well behaved, but they are normal – they get mad, they fight, they scream, and they throw the occasional tantrum. But it never lasts long and we always have a massive bag full of tricks to deal with these situations. The result is far less stress for my wife and I. We just roll with the punches. My 15 years of experience in NLP and Ericksonian Hypnosis certainly helps, but the strategies I use to deal with toddlers can be learned by anyone very quickly.

What I want to focus on in this blog post is the need to start with yourself before you worry about your child’s behavior. How you behave on the outside is critical because your child will model you. If you scream and yell at your child then your child will scream and yell back at you. Even worse, your child will learn that this is actually something they should do when mad. Believe me, this is NOT what you want your kids to learn!

Now let’s say that you don’t scream at your kids when they misbehave, but you get really mad on the inside, yet you manage to control yourself. This is better, but kids (and all humans/animals) will pick up on your non-verbal signals. The vast majority of communication is non-verbal!

The redness in your face, the heavier breathing, the tension in your muscles and the pace of your speech will serve as non-verbal cues to your child that he or she is succeeding in pushing your buttons.

In another post I will talk about how to actually deal with your children when they misbehave. But for now what I want to get through to you is the concept of relaxation. If you are relaxed and comfortable, your non-verbal communication to your child will be far more effective.

Your inner psychology is directly connected to your outward physiology. Because of this, it is very easy to change your psychology by adjusting your physiology. This direct link is extremely useful to you because you can take specific steps to relax and stay calm when dealing with your kids.

Here are some steps you can take:

1. Take a deep breath and exhale in a controlled, calm manner.
2. Say something out loud in a very casual tone of voice. It doesn’t matter what you say, so long as you use the same voice you’d be using when talking to a close friend. Pick a phrase that you can use consistently, such that it becomes an “anchor phrase”. An example of this would be, “It’s nice to know you can always relax whenever you want to”.
3. Recall a past memory (anything that comes to mind) when you were totally relaxed. For a few seconds, just remember what you saw, what you heard, and how good it felt. This will get you back into that same state very quickly.
4. Take note of any remaining tension in any parts of your body (you’ll begin to notice where tension builds up for you during moments of stress). As you notice where the remaining tension is, take a moment to visualize calm, soothing white light shining on those spots of tension in your body, and just imagine that the light is melting away the tension. Pretending it is happening is no different than having it really happen – your unconscious mind doesn’t know the difference!

This whole process may take you 10 seconds. It’s purpose is to completely alter your physical and emotional state so that you’ll be in a more resourceful state to deal with the “problem child”.

When your kids are misbehaving, 10 seconds can seem like eternity. But you know better. Believe me this is 10 seconds well spent. Now, when you deal with your children, you’ll convey a stronger and calmer message, you’ll get better results, and you’ll feel better about the outcome.

Enjoy Your Children,
Chris Thompson