One of my pet peeves is when people write advice about what not to do, but they don’t give you any useful suggestions on how to replace the old habit. So let me expand upon this statement. Let’s pretend that your toddler or preschooler is messing around in the kitchen and is dragging pots and pans out of the cabinet. You know that you’ll have to clean this up. You want the behavior to stop. Be honest now. In this situation, would you normally just tell your child to “stop” and take them out of the kitchen? If you answered “yes”, then you’ve tried to solve the problem by using logic, or by assuming your child will understand that this behavior is not allowed. Guess what? It almost always results in a tantrum.

So what do you do instead of using logic? Start managing your toddler’s state of mind. Change the focus of his or her attention. Use distraction or confusion techniques to create an opportunity to shift your child to a new activity. There are plenty of ways to deal with toddlers that don’t involve rational explanations or logic.

Here’s a quick way to get your toddler out of a messy situation without a fight. First, enter the child’s world. Say, “I see you are playing with these pots and making a lot of nose. That must be a lot of fun!” Next, start to distract your child with something simple such as a tickle and some laughing. This positions you in positive manner, not as the mother or father about to take away the toys. Finally, change the scenery by carrying your child over to the window and pointing out something interesting. Maybe it’s the squirrel climbing in the tree. Maybe an airplane flying overhead? Young kids have a short attention span. All you need to do is be a bit “sneaky” in changing your child’s focus while maintaining a positive state of mind. Then, following the distraction, give them something new to do.

In nearly every instance, tantrums and bad behavior are the result of a certain (negative) emotional state in your child. If you want to change the behavior, you need to change the emotional state first. Language is a powerful asset that parents can use to steer children into resourceful states. After all, kids don’t tend to misbehave or throw tantrums when they are laughing and smiling.

If you’d like to learn more of these simple and powerful communication strategies, simply visit http://TalkingToToddlers.com

In some ways I agree, but in other ways I disagree.  Let me explain.  First of all, I think that all kids go through a period of ‘testing the waters’.  They push boundaries.  They ask for things that they know they can’t have.  No matter *what* you do as a parent you are not going to stop a child from pushing the boundaries.  It is part of growth.  It is expected and healthy.  Yes, it is healthy.

But – how you *deal* with it as  a parent is totally within your control.  Unfortunately kids do not come with instruction manuals.  What I’ve discovered is that using language strategies can solve most of the daily problems that parents run into.  If you easily get frustrated with your child, or if you constantly tell your child “no” to things then you are literally asking for tantrums and other so-called “bad behavior”. On the other hand, if you learn how to apply distraction techniques, create the illusion of choice, manage your child’s emotional state, or reframe situations by changing their definition (among many other tools I teach), then you’ll end up avoiding these problems.  Your kids (and you) will smile more often and you’ll have less parenting stress.

Click on the link here to get a free audio lesson where I’ll teach you 3 simple techniques you can start using right now.

I have two beautiful daughters, but I would be lying if I said they were perfect little angels all the time. Of course they aren’t! We have nicknames for our girls. The oldest is “Monkey”. This was given to her when she learned to crawl in the early years. The youngest is “Kit Kat”, which was invented by my wife’s loving Aunt. It just stuck instantly!

Monkey and Kit Kat do their fare share of things that make us want to leave them with a babysitter for a few days! Most of the time my kids are quite well behaved, but they are normal – they get mad, they fight, they scream, and they throw the occasional tantrum. But it never lasts long and we always have a massive bag full of tricks to deal with these situations. The result is far less stress for my wife and I. We just roll with the punches. My 15 years of experience in NLP and Ericksonian Hypnosis certainly helps, but the strategies I use to deal with toddlers can be learned by anyone very quickly.

What I want to focus on in this blog post is the need to start with yourself before you worry about your child’s behavior. How you behave on the outside is critical because your child will model you. If you scream and yell at your child then your child will scream and yell back at you. Even worse, your child will learn that this is actually something they should do when mad. Believe me, this is NOT what you want your kids to learn!

Now let’s say that you don’t scream at your kids when they misbehave, but you get really mad on the inside, yet you manage to control yourself. This is better, but kids (and all humans/animals) will pick up on your non-verbal signals. The vast majority of communication is non-verbal!

The redness in your face, the heavier breathing, the tension in your muscles and the pace of your speech will serve as non-verbal cues to your child that he or she is succeeding in pushing your buttons.

In another post I will talk about how to actually deal with your children when they misbehave. But for now what I want to get through to you is the concept of relaxation. If you are relaxed and comfortable, your non-verbal communication to your child will be far more effective.

Your inner psychology is directly connected to your outward physiology. Because of this, it is very easy to change your psychology by adjusting your physiology. This direct link is extremely useful to you because you can take specific steps to relax and stay calm when dealing with your kids.

Here are some steps you can take:

1. Take a deep breath and exhale in a controlled, calm manner.
2. Say something out loud in a very casual tone of voice. It doesn’t matter what you say, so long as you use the same voice you’d be using when talking to a close friend. Pick a phrase that you can use consistently, such that it becomes an “anchor phrase”. An example of this would be, “It’s nice to know you can always relax whenever you want to”.
3. Recall a past memory (anything that comes to mind) when you were totally relaxed. For a few seconds, just remember what you saw, what you heard, and how good it felt. This will get you back into that same state very quickly.
4. Take note of any remaining tension in any parts of your body (you’ll begin to notice where tension builds up for you during moments of stress). As you notice where the remaining tension is, take a moment to visualize calm, soothing white light shining on those spots of tension in your body, and just imagine that the light is melting away the tension. Pretending it is happening is no different than having it really happen – your unconscious mind doesn’t know the difference!

This whole process may take you 10 seconds. It’s purpose is to completely alter your physical and emotional state so that you’ll be in a more resourceful state to deal with the “problem child”.

When your kids are misbehaving, 10 seconds can seem like eternity. But you know better. Believe me this is 10 seconds well spent. Now, when you deal with your children, you’ll convey a stronger and calmer message, you’ll get better results, and you’ll feel better about the outcome.

Enjoy Your Children,
Chris Thompson